Some months ago I did my third tattoo. The tattoo artist told me I was too thin to do it on the ribs, it would have been painful, but I told him to write on my body “No fear” and felt no pain at all.Now I look at that message on my body and try to remember why I wanted that words on me, I can’t remember. I don’t remember why I was so fearless in that period even if know I am.
Well, everybody seems thinking of me as a truly brave person. Everybody tell me they envy my courage, they would like to be like me and I spend hours and days thinking about these words. I don’t think I am fearless, special; don’t think to have super powers. I think I am completely mad sometimes, or irresponsible… then, when can’t find my irresponsibility or my madness anywhere I become fearless. A friend of mine recently told me I’m one of those smart mad people, who live without caring about how much they are going to suffer, they do whatever they want, they are passionate and strong, even if they don’t know it.
Well, these words made me understand why I asked that guy to write on my ribs “No fear”.
I do have my fears as everybody: I am terrified by snakes, stairs, grow old, clowns, deep water and other things.
I am scared of unreal things like ghosts and monsters.
I am scared also every time my boyfriend is mad at me or he doesn’t look at me as I would.
I am scared not to build the career I want, or to do a normal job.
I could write a so much long list of things I am scared of…
I think what is different in me is refusing to run away.
Maybe I might look weird with my eyes wide open and my legs that forget how to walk. I stop talking, often cry all day long. I force me to stay stuck in that place where my fear is, it doesn’t help me to face it, doesn’t help me to take over it. Is a self-inflicted torture I do to me. Stay there, until I remember how to walk again, until I can restart to live or eat or work or love.
What is different in me is keeping my fear in front of me all the time, even when I think everything is ok.
I keep it there, keep staring at it all the time, it makes me shake, it makes my heart beat fast. But it doesn’t come closer; it will never stop me to do what I want.
Maybe, what is different in me is that I deeply believe in what I still don’t know, even if is dangerous or scary. I think that if I don’t like what I am doing or the place I am, and the only way to change is jumping from a waterfall and breaking all my bones then I’m happy to do it. It will be painful, but one day, when my bones will heal, I won’t remember the pain, but the adrenaline of the jump.
Other people think I am a fool, a rebel, and a lost soul, who constantly changes her life without thinking about it. My courage is in erasing my life every couple of years and starting over.
People never start over; it seems something you should be afraid of. Well, is hard yes… much more than everything else. Is almost impossible, but someone told me just the mad ones change the world.
If I am in that mad ones is not a problem I care about, I want to live the world, and if is something too big then... I want to live my life, as I want, if this means breaking all my bones every time I do it, then, it will be ok.
Some people tell me I want to live a movie life, something too adventurous to be true, well if someone makes those movies, is because there is someone else who inspire them. And now I remember which was the other tattoo I wanted to do that day: ivy, a plant which grows where all the other ones dies.